


What A Mother Knows

by MsEerie



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gay!Connor, Microfic, ten times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-19 01:32:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11302983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsEerie/pseuds/MsEerie
Summary: Cynthia knows Connor was gay.





	What A Mother Knows

**Author's Note:**

> It was nice to write something experimental and explorational. TRIGGER WARNING: literally about suicide. Direct references to suicide, oblique references to wrist slitting.

1\. 

When Connor is six years old, he turns to his mother at Disney World and tells her how handsome he think Prince Charming is. She squeezes his hand and replies, “Not as handsome as you are.” Connor beams.

2\. 

She finds his body. Of course she does, she’s the only one who ever goes into his room. She’s just going in to check on him, to say good night before she goes to bed.

She doesn’t say goodnight.

3\. 

When the twins are eleven, the whole family goes to see Prince of Persia. It’s a stupid movie, but at least she and Zoe are in agreement for once: the lead was very handsome. Larry rolls his eyes, but quietly, Connor says “I thought so too.”

4\. 

The twins’ first day of high school is as picture perfect as real families get: Zoe has on a pink tee shirt over new jeans, and a stack of animal-shaped rubber bands worn as bracelets. Connor’s in black, with a side of black, over black. But around his wrist is the flamingo rubber band Zoe had gifted him last night.

5\. 

Connor is in his bed. His hands are open, above the covers. His pipe is on the night table. The room smells like pot, like it always does. His radio is playing NPR. His eyes are open.

6\. 

Connor asks to grow his hair out in middle school. It’s against the dress code, so she says no. Connor hides in his room, until she tells him he can grow it out for the summer.

7\. 

When the ambulance leaves, Larry and Zoe follow it in his car. She tells them she can’t bring herself to go. (Zoe can’t bring herself to stay. After this night, Zoe will sleep in the guest room at the other end of the house. She will never go down the hall again.)

She strips the blankets off Connor’s bed and puts them in the wash. 

She sits down at Connor’s desk and opens his computer. She deletes his browsing history.

Then she goes through his files and deletes them, systematically.

8\. 

Two weeks before school resumes, Connor breaks into their alcohol cabinet. “Breaks in” is not the right term, because it’s not locked. But he gets in, and he drinks…a lot. She isn’t sure how much, because he also breaks a bunch of the bottle on the floor. 

It’s just them at the house. Zoe’s got a softball game, and Larry went with her. She had been in the back yard weeding for less then an hour.

She nearly calls the hospital when she finds him on the floor like that, but he starts talking.  
It’s slurred, and she can’t understand him at first. She makes out, “don’t want to hurt anyone,” though.

She pulls him upright. “You need to drink some water, she says,” deposits him in a kitchen chair. She’s got the glass pressed to the fridge door when he mumbles “will Dad still love me if he knows I’m gay?”

The glass shatters on the kitchen floor, right as Larry and Zoe come in through the garage. 

Connor throws up.

9\. 

Zoe insists that she needs Abercrombie and Fitch clothing to start tenth grade. Connor whines the whole time they’re in the store, but later, she finds the bag underneath Connor’s bed.

10\. 

When Zoe and Larry come home, she’s slumped over and Connor’s desk. Her tears have soaked through the keyboard. His macbook will never start again.


End file.
